Floral Notes and Bardo: Squirm, Squirm, Leap

Posted on July 7, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

Floral Notes and Bardo: The Creative Chronicles of a Shambhala Mountain Resident is a daily feature on the SMC blog in which a member of our staff/community shares his experience of existing as part of Shambhala Mountain Center.

There is no escaping the collective here. The buzz in my skull is a shared reverberation. There is internal and external chatter, and calm.

This is the shrine in my yurt:

Through my comical aversion to Kasungship, I’m recognizing my inclination towards maintaining my bubble. I have an agenda. I’ve been so worked up about things.

I decided to plant myself for a day this past weekend. A 24 hour retreat, to settle. I went to the Stupa early in the morning, to be alone, in peace. There were already people there. I practiced for a while.

I ate breakfast by myself in an aspen grove. I made a sign and clipped it on my shirt: “Noble Silence,” indicating that I would rather not engage in conversation with anyone. The noble silence badge is common around here. People wear them during retreats.

After breakfast I sat back down in my yurt for a long morning of solitary, sitting meditation. Ahh…

About an hour into my session, I heard footsteps outside. Kasung Kate came to my door. I gestured for her to come in. She had done the work of organizing a gathering for those of us who will be attending Enlightened Society Assembly later this month. One of the teachers, Acharya Melissa Moore, was leading an online discussion. Kate had hiked all the way up to my house to retrieve me. Very kind.

I walked down after her and listened to the talk, asked questions. It was a very auspicious interruption of my day’s agenda.

I ate lunch in the trees and afterwards went back up to my house for several hours of meditation, with a bit of study thrown in at the end. I read Treatise on Enlightened Society.

There seems to be no escaping the reality that we’re all bound up in this together. And I realize that I have an inclination toward self-protection, comfort-seeking. There seems to be a real leap that has to occur. I have to leap over my laziness in order to be helpful.

All the teachers say that helping others, that not being selfish, will bring true joy. I know it’s true because I’ve experienced that before. But I forget.

There’s a leap involved in opening up to people, to their beauty and fragility. Lately, I’ve noticed a tendency to immediately judge negatively. People are easier to ignore if their ugly. It’s not helpful. It seems that to shift things in a positive way for myself or others I have to leap, leap, leap.

I’ve been glancing at this truth with a skeptical eye recently. And, I’m finding that resisting the truth that helping others is of utmost importance brings misery and struggle. It’s becoming more real — because with my skepticism, I’m beating it into a pulp. There is no squirming out of anything. We’re all in this together.

— June 30, 2014

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Travis Newbill is a curious dude on the path of artistry, meditation, and social engagement who is very glad to be residing at Shambhala Mountain Center. His roles within the organization include Marketing Associate and Head Dekyong–a position of leadership within the community. Follow Travis on twitter: @travisnewbill

Floral Notes and Bardo: Explore Bananas

Posted on July 4, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

Cody is beaming, going to Rainbow gathering.

Last week sitting on a bench in the sun, with Heather, a few days after I’d decided not to attend Kasung Encampment, Cody approached and introduced the idea of me going along with him to the Gathering.

“Hippe Encampment,” Heather remarked.

Exactly. The idea appealed to me because it was so funny, but what I really need to is settle.

“The seasons are not theoretical here.”

Acharya Lyon said that a while ago, and it haunts me, in a funny way. Summer is bananas. There are so many people here and so much going on. It’s really impossible to keep track, challenging to keep in touch. It’s a buzzing hive.

~~~

I slept a bit last night, after spending beautiful time with Heather. This morning, rainbows on our faces, sunlight refracted by crystals hanging in her east-facing window. Heather’s birthday is this weekend and she’s off to Seattle. She’s famous in the community for making these extremely beautiful birthday cards for everyone. I tell her she could go into business with them.

Last night, before heading up to her house, I ran into Mimi, who always has art supplies. I made a lil’ card for Heather.

This weekend, I’m going to work on a piece of music for her.

I feel the need to sit and meditate for a few days, and also the need to get into artwork. It’s summer, karma energy, active time. It’s a wild wave to ride.

— June 27, 2014

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Floral Notes and Bardo: Until I Sing

Posted on July 2, 2014 by admin

By Travis Newbill

Mental combustion in the middle of the night, fuming while the mist hung cool over the peaks in the morning. Soft, and myself, dense — until I sang.

Last night a mime appeared at dinner. Then we held a Sukhavati ceremony for distant friend. As the ceremony was beginning, a tremendous thunderstorm rolled in. Hail came pouring down onto the shrine tent. Acharya couldn’t speak over the noise, so we paused. We sat while the storm raged. Then, continued the ceremony.

Afterwards, I realized that my shoes were soaked. I walked barefoot on little balls of hail and dirt trail beside Acharya and we enjoyed how the whole thing had unfolded.

I woke up the in middle of the night, angry, resentful of my commitment to Kasungship.

Basically: I have to devote hours of my life to helping others, rather than doing what I feel like doing, and I’m throwing a tantrum about it.

One of my storylines is that there are plenty of ways to serve, and one of them is Kasungship. And Kasungship is not the one that I feel most naturally inclined towards. I’d rather be arranging flowers, making music, nurturing the Delek System.

I think that story is valid. And, it doesn’t matter. I took an oath. So, it’s my job to do my duty without complaining. Seems like a positive thing to do. Seems like I may grow through the experience. But, man, it’s a pain in the ass.

This is the nitty gritty of the path. This is the pickle of devotion. My inspiration is low. If catastrophe were to strike, I would be singing a completely different tune. I want to not drift so far before remembering.

My heart is calling for a refresher: retreat. Re-connect. When will the window open? What will it be like on the other side? Will I look back with clarity and shake my head, with humor, for having allowed myself to drift so far, become so worked up and muddled-dumb, before taking a step back so that I may enjoy the beauty of the whole display?

Methinks: yes.

— June 25, 2014

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Floral Notes and Bardo: Musical Self, Peachy

Posted on July 1, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

Heavy clouds, a bit of rain — like sitting on a bench and reading dharma. Then, cooler and calm.

~~~

I like to sit in this chair, in “my” “front yard” (yurt yard).

I felt so dense yesterday, edgy. Almost vicious. Critical. Arrogant. Even with reminders all around me that gentleness is the way… how to shift? Finally before dinner, I walked into the Japanese garden behind Sacred Studies Hall and read some teachings — reminder. The result was that I felt less vicious.

The world became almost entertaining. Non-threatening. I’ve noticed myself comparing myself to others recently, and feeling less-together, less-clean, less-vibrant.

I sat down at the dinner table and Heather asked:

“How’s your head?”

“Stuffy.”

“How’s your heart?”

“…”

“How’s your heart?”

“…soft.”

“Like a marshmallow?”

“Like a peach.”

And Kate, across the table, had a peach on her fork.

“You’re about to eat Travis’ heart,” said Heather.

She paused.

“Bon appetite,” I said.

Kaleigh, Eric, Heather and I went up to Dhyana (K&E’s cabin) for the evening. We sat in the living room and had tea and Japanese sweets that Kaleigh picked up in town. A nice, civilized and hilarious scene. I get a wild kick out of all of those characters and how they interact, how we interact. I seemed to be the quickest to crack up, fall out of character.

Maybe feeling so dumb and exhausted after the day of mental rage that all I could do was observe and enjoy.

After tea and snacks Eric and I went out on the porch — damp, dark, moist mellow night, and played music. Eric on the cello and myself on the guitar. Improvisational, expressive… It was such a joy, and nourishing. I’ve been missing artistic engagement.

Bhanu advised me (long ago now, when I had just arrived): “Be your musical self up here.”

— June 24, 2014

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Floral Notes and Bardo: Into Summertime

Posted on June 30, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

Saturday, a mad tea party at my lil’ house followed by naked painting and singing (just the two of us) — solstice celebration, and in the evening, a bath and early to bed.

Sunday morning a pancake party at Erik and Kaleigh’s — barefoot ladies in the kitchen (ha), yummy pu-erh tea and conversation in the living room, and out on the porch, pancakes being served up. Annabelle brought over a big pot of chai…

Eventually, Cody found his way to the hammock.

Photo by Ryan Stagg

Life is good — summertime in the mountains.

In the morning, one of those mornings, Heather and I stopped by the lake and watched river otters swim around. They surfaced to check us out, bumped heads with each other.

Yesterday afternoon, Heather and I hiked up to Marpa Point for a picnic and our seasonal relationship-intention check-in. After our structured (and playful) communication exercise (a dyad), we made friendship bracelets and painted each other’s nails to seal the deal.

While our nails dried, we laid in the sun and laughed about all sorts of things.

— June 23, 2014

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Floral Notes and Bardo: Give and Glimmer

Posted on June 27, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

I woke up so early this morning, not as early as I used to. Venus was in the sky above the ridge, to the east, the first warm colors of dawn arising. Birds and critters singing and scurrying.

I laid back in bed and debated napping another hour. It seemed unnatural, lazy, to put cloth over my eyes while the sun was rising. Where’s the free-flowing motivation to not waste a minute, to soak it up and…give! Give! Give!

Photo taken from the Eden’s Rose Foundation Facebook page

Laying in bed, debating in my journal about whether to fly out into the morning or nap a bit, I thought of my friend Gregory Sheldon, who is so bright, selfless. His path is helping other. It’s beautiful. (Check out Eden’s Rose Foundation)

I’ve crossed paths with him several times over the past decade, and it’s always a meaningful encounter.

At some point in his life he met a Tibetan lama, and shortly afterwards became the sole distributor in North America of this incense that the lama had taught his community to make by hand. Greg sells the incense, and sends money to the community in India.

I love this incense. It’s magical. It’s the only incense I’ve burned for the last ten years or so. Whenever I’d be running low, I’d serendipitously encounter Greg, and he’d give me more. A couple of years ago, I was running low, and gave him a call on the phone. We had a great conversation. Yada, yada, yada… a week later 80 pounds of this incense landed on my doorstep.

It is now sitting in my little yurt here on the mountain. I don’t know how my journey with this magical incense will unfold. I’m glad it’s part of my life.

Anyway… bringing Greg to mind is inspiring. I long to feel that freshness, to have that glimmer in my eye.

~~~

Last night Acharya Judith Simmer-Brown gave a talk to the staff. Like the night before, with Acharya Hessey, we sat in a circle in our Staff Living Room.

A few key nuggets:

We tell stories, not for the facts, but for the meaning.

“Relationship is about the camaraderie of loneliness.” (How beautiful is that?!)

We may act, non-aggressively, not to fix, but to smooth out the bumps in the road.

— June 20, 2014

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Floral Notes and Bardo: This Has Never Happened Before, Again

Posted on June 26, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

The past couple of mornings, posted up at the torri gate — guarding the entrance! Pretty much just sitting there, in my Kasung uniform — which doesn’t fit me so well. Heather brought me breakfast. Meditating. Enjoying the bird songs, blue sky, trees in the breeze, chipmunks. Sakyong comes running by with his crew. I stand and salute.

We’re hosting Scorpion Seal VI, which means high practitioners are all over the place. It’s very cool to be in the midst of them. Their presence, practice, creates a heightened atmosphere. The sounds of their rituals echo throughout the valley. Smoke from ceremony, chanting, warrior cries.

Shenpen, Sensei is among them. Yesterday she glided over to me and offered me a piece of chocolate, then with big bright whole-being smile, asked if I’d help uplift (clean) a small corner table in the staff mud room, so that it may properly host a flower arrangement. She spreads flowers all over, generally, in all sorts of ways, on many levels. She is in the bodhisattva business of beautifying. I’m drawn to her style of contribution.

There’s all sorts of powerful teachers all over the place.

Acharya Hessey is here. He’s been an Acharya-homie of mine ever since we met last fall, when he and I sat together — I asked him questions about psychedelics, meditation, and what not. He led me in meditation, incorporating Grateful Dead lyrics into the guidance. It was beautiful. Later that night, there was a gathering of folks around a fireplace and Acharya Hessey, Greg Smith and I played guitar, sang, jammed — played some Dead tunes, some jazz, I offered some originals. A very fond night in my memory!

Anyway, Acharya Hessey has devoted a lot of his life to Shambhala Mountain Center. He’s been involved for nearly four decades. He’s lived here, worked and taught here, served as executive director, has sat on board of directors for a long time. He’s as local as they get. I carry around a bag I found in the free room which has his name scribbled inside. It was his a long time ago.

Last night, Acharya Hessey sat in the Staff Living Room with a group of us, sitting in a circle on chairs and couches, and gave a beautiful talk, led discussion: What is Shambhala? What are these “Scorpion Seal” people up to? How may we approach living here together at Shambhala Mountain Center? What obstacles arise?

The thing is: We can work together to create a friendly, gentle environment.

~~~

Some notes:

Always new. This has never happened before.

Feel whatever I’m feeling, not always acting on it.

Not laying trips on others.

READ SHANTIDEVA

— June 19, 2014

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Floral Notes and Bardo: Down the Hill, Down the Road

Posted on June 23, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

A group of us piled in the car on Friday, headed down to Boulder. Rolling down the hill in the sunshine, it was reminiscent of heading to music festivals in the summertime with my old friends.

Photo by Paul Bennett

We were headed down for a Shambhala program with the Sakyong, Acharya Asreal, and Shastri Ethan Nichtern (my main dharma-teacher-homie from New York City — so cool to connect with him, eat falafel with him, in Colorado!). Great line-up!

A few of us stayed at Marpa House, which is a residential Shambhala-Buddhist co-op sort of place in Boulder. It felt amazing in there. I felt quickly that Marpa House will be the next place that I live. After a couple more years at SMC, after I graduate from Sacred World Assembly, I’ll move to Marpa House to do my Ngöndro and study at Naropa.

In this moment, that path ahead is clear as day. (who knows how it may shift?) Clear as day!

We actually slept in the Ngöndro shrine room. Oh! They have a room for Ngöndro! Ngöndro is the practice you begin doing once you formally enter the vajrayana stage of the path — which I am aiming to do before leaving SMC. A sort of graduation… Marpa House seems like a mighty fine place to do Ngöndro.

And, for a decade or so, I’ve had a dream of studying at Naropa — at the Jack Kerouac School of (Dis)embodied Poetics. How could I not go to study at that school in this lifetime?!

Boulder is lovely. Such a nice time strolling through the neighborhoods and enjoying the activity on Pearl Street.

Inside the Shambhala Center, the retreat was awesome. Powerful teachings all the way through, great community of people. Provocative contemplations, conversations.

We considered how we may practice in three areas, or levels, of our world:

The personal, interpersonal, and collective.

SMC is a pretty amazing place to practice with all three in a vivid way.

— June 16, 2014

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Floral Notes and Bardo: A Big Joke

Posted on June 20, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

Last night, the moon was blazing full, everything aglow and quiet, the only sound — the aspen leaves gently quaking in soft, cool summer breeze. I was standing on my doorstep, just enjoying, awake for a few minutes in the middle of the night.

Photo by Paul Bennett

Earlier, a small group of us stood and watched the moon rise up from behind the ridge. Huge moon. Orange. Clear sky.

Kate and I had been discussing dharma for about two hours. Others came in and out of the conversation, which was inspired by some notions presented in the prologue of Shambhala Principle.

I believe we were on the topic of nonverbal communication, and that being so key:

We’re always communicating. We’re creating culture with each interaction. We’re altering reality.

Kate and I had been sitting in the staff Living Room…

Oh, the Staff Living Room is so sweet. It’s a spot downtown, which in the wintertime is our dining room. In the past it has been a shrine room. In fact, it’s one of the oldest buildings on the land. H.H. the 16th Gyalwa Karmapa performed the Black Crown Ceremony in the room. It’s usually turned into the staff shrine room in the summer time. This summer, though, a bunch of us lobbied for it to be turned into an uplifted, quiet, common area — for study, tea, quiet conversation. We have Elkhorn House up the hill, where we can jam, watch movies, party, have fires, and generally hang out and have fun. This space is serves another purpose. So nice…

The previous night, a group of us sat together in the Living Room and watched video of a talk that Trungpa Rinpoche gave at Naropa, forty years ago. The talk was on tantra–the first in a series of fourteen. We’ll be watching one every week.

We had some discussion afterwards. One point that kept coming up was about how much of what he was communicating was nonverbal. Some of us expressed that, more than anything, we were bewildered by the words that he said, but, somehow, something was communicated very clearly.

Watching him, there was no hint of doubt. And he said:

“There’s an enormous joke behind the whole thing. A big joke.”

I was at once bewildered and reassured. It’s not what I think it is, but that’s more than okay.

— June 13, 2014

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Floral Notes and Bardo: Ordinary and Aspiring

Posted on June 19, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

To simply be kind to my fellows, not trying to win, not cheating anyone, doing my work…

“Magpie strutting” by John Russell of SMC Colorado Front range Style

Another misty day outside. Many elder practitioners are arriving to receive new teachings from the Sakyong. This weekend I’m going down to Boulder to receive teachings from him.

Rinpoche: displaying confidence, relaxation, cheerfulness, wisdom. It seems that he is aware of the suffering of the world, and yet, is optimistic.

A genuine display.

Joyful, not freaked out.

We’re always communicating something…

Ordinary and aspiring…

–June 12, 2014

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