Floral Notes and Bardo: Like a Donair, Like an Illusion

Posted on May 7, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

Floral Notes and Bardo: The Creative Chronicles of a Shambhala Mountain Resident is a daily feature on the SMC blog in which a member of our staff/community shares his experience of existing as part of Shambhala Mountain Center.

It’s this way everywhere:
You can’t hide from yourself, and if you try, you will only dig yourself deeper into the muck.

Above is a picture of me eating a “heretical tofu ‘donair.'” Food and photo by Adam Mitchell of Halifax.

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SMC is commonly referred to as a “pressure cooker,” meaning that everything seems to happen in an intensified way — up and down, pleasure and pain. Mental and emotional displays are especially vivid, punchy, heart-opening.

It’s quite an opportunity for purification, because, not only is the experience quite potent, but there is lots of support that helps one move through it, process it, in a positive way. Another term commonly used to describe SMC is “karmic accelerator” — meaning pretty much the same thing. The stuff of ourselves has to be experienced. The consequences of our past actions will come to some sort of fruition. That happens here, rapidly and in a big way.

Stuff from my past has been coming up for me recently. Stuff that comes up every so often. I don’t know what to do with it. Something triggers a series of events in my memory, and then they are just there. I don’t want to hide anything about myself from anyone, but the stuff also seems irrelevant. I beat myself up a bit, feel ashamed about the whole thing.

So, I’m wondering about authenticity, fundamental worthiness, self-absorption… How and when to just “drop it.” I feel myself turning an inquisitive eye towards the experience, rather than shutting it out. It’s really not easy, but it doesn’t feel quite as stuck as it has previously.

I’m feeling extra motivated to practice. I’m spending time with the Stupa. I’m making supplications to the energies that I’m in the midst of that I may connect with intuitive guidance, and that confusion may dawn as wisdom.

It’s rich, messy, and beautiful — Like a donair.

— April 29, 2014

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Travis Newbill is a curious dude on the path of artistry, meditation, and social engagement who is very glad to be residing at Shambhala Mountain Center. His roles within the organization include Marketing Associate and Head Dekyong–a position of leadership within the community.

Floral Notes and Bardo: Time and Flowers, People

Posted on May 2, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

Fun with Rebbi — Heather’s mom — the last few days. Wondrous artist-human. Delightful, and glad to be connecting. Last night, the three of us in my house singing Beatles’ songs:

“Lil’ darlin’, it’s beena long, cold, lonely, winter…”

And now, the sun is bathing us all, the land. Spring arriving.

And, in knowing Rebbi, somehow feeling closer to Heather. Some sense of greater reality. Greater humanness. The truth of the texture of her black hair, and her shoulders.

Real people.

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This morning, an hour spent arranging flowers after meditation. Just an hour, because, I have to be on the clock for a certain amount of time each week in the marketing chair, and my schedule is rather tight.

But, I’m reading this dharma about work and time and so on. This book form Tarthang Tulku. There’s a bit in there about having deadlines and allowing that to energize the work — like the pressure needed to produce diamonds — without it freaking you (me) out.

I was feeling that as I was arranging. Last weekend, a bunch of us did the Ikebana workshop with Shenpen, Sensei, and, all week long, my world has been more spacious and creative. I’ve been approaching my whole life more like a flower arrangement…

And I’ve got Tarthang Tulku in the other ear nudging me to be more productive.

So… more productive and more spacious. How does that work? It seems to. It’s what I’m working on.

— April 25, 2014

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Floral Notes and Bardo: What’s Shakin’ (delek rap #2)

Posted on May 2, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

Slowly opening channels. No ambition, please. Or, good ambition.. Cows digging under trees for shade and shakes. Blubber-utter, what’s shakin’?

This morning, first morning meeting with the new group of Dekyongs. Feels good. Feels relaxed. Feels like we’re engaged, taking it seriously-enough, but not being overly ambitious. Just putting little regular things in place is enough.

The Delek System:

Deleks are groups of people within the community, organized according to neighborhood. The Delek System, as I currently understand it, has one main function:

To cultivate harmony within the community.

Part of that is ensuring that everyone is cared for. Part of that is ensuring that everyone is heard.

So, the Delek System serves as a means for communication to flow through the community — inwards to the governing bodies, and back out.

Each Delek has a head, or leader, called a Dekyong. Once a week the Dekyongs meet to discuss what has been coming up in their Deleks, community stuff, and so on.

I am the Head Dekyong, and so I have a seat on the Community Council — a decision-making, action-taking, body within the community whose precise mission and role is still being worked out. It’s still pretty new.

Anyway, my piece, as I currently understand it, is to bring in information that I have harvested from my meetings with the Dekyongs so that the Community Council can respond to it — one way or another. One way of responding is to suggest that a particular issue be brought into the next Community Meeting as a topic for discussion.

To be continued…

— April 24, 2014

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Floral Notes and Bardo: As the World Becomes More Intense…

Posted on April 30, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

What are we doing? Sunrise in slow-motion.

Last night a small group of us re-watched the Sakyong’s recent address to the community. It was full of beauty-wisdom. And, seeing him from the angle of the camera, and zoomed in close on his face, I appreciate his brutal depth and tenderness even more. So raw. Waves of intensity, his eyes gazing upwards, his jaw moving slightly — in a vast pause in-between statements. And then gentle, ordinary words. Mystical and ordinary.

He said lots of things. One thing: As the world becomes more intense, places like this are going to be more important. And people like you who dedicate your lives to this. Your work will become more meaningful. (paraphrase)

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Floral Notes and Bardo: Flowers and Sensei, Awake

Posted on April 28, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

Speed like weeds. Flowers like music. Pulsating perfection, and busy bodies missing beats. A million words, a million actions — exhausted bodies wanting to flop… but far too busy. A million deaths and missed opportunities, a smile, and one perfect ringing note — the bliss bell. Soon-enough, tumbleweeds of thinking. Busy bodies. But, perhaps more and more often — bell.

Breathe. A weekend with Shenpen, Sensei — arranging flowers, slowing down, opening up. Her being is her teaching. It’s always that way. More the wholeness than the spoken instructions.

My emotional state — worked-with through arranging. And then the arrangement as a mirror.

Heaviness purified through art-form. The energy, once challenging, now reflected, purified, no more grief about it, rather… there it is.

Flowers. Resistance to knowing flowers, revealing ever-floral me — the fragility is too much to bear. Always so tender and never-lasting. Afraid to say goodbye… and, thus, afraid to say hello.

So… dropping all of that and being simple. I wish to be more relaxed — not in a floppy way, but in an open way. I wish to do my work, but without all the tension and goal-orientedness. I believe it works better that way.

What good is scatter-brained accomplishment? What power is there in that? Instead, one simple, perfectly timed bell.

One after another.

After the weekend program concluded, Sunday with lunch, I went to my house and napped. Then, awoke and cleaned, and arranged, my space. Sensei said that Ikebana is a dangerous contemplative art, because it will change your life.

I see the way environment affects mental and emotional states — and vice versa. It felt amazing, uplifting, to be in my space after it had been cleaned and arranged.

The world is always communicating. We are always communicating… What is the message? Heart, care, awake, play, not-so-serious. We’re expressing always. Artwork — changes the world, changes minds.

The whole way through. Friday afternoon, I felt like I wanted to nap for three days. I was so burnt from the work week — so much activity. So much obligation. So much hope and fear. Instead of curling into a ball, I engaged in artwork. It purified my state. And the result was more beauty in the world. The whole process was helpful and beautiful on many levels.

Grateful. Grateful for the reminder. For the immersion. Grateful to have been in space with Sensei. Her floral radiance. Her heavenly wisdom and strong hands, delicate touch. Glad to know my world to be a living arrangement. Sensei, smile. Oh, virtue of whimsy. May I not become too busy. Sensei, awake. Pause. Awake.

— April 21, 2014

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Floral Notes and Bardo: Some Hallucinations

Posted on April 25, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

What am I afraid of?

Feeling overwhelmed forever, failing in my endeavors, losing people’s approval, not achieving what I wish to, not receiving the recognition that I crave, not being special at all, being a grain of sand, being fundamentally mistaken, being nothing but a brief-luminous-flare.

I really feel the need to go on retreat. I’m all wound up. I’m feeling clouded.

But…

It’s difficult to find the time. Some people seem to think that living here is like being on one big retreat. In a sense, that’s true. But… I work a lot here. Most everybody that lives here works a lot. Between the day-jobs that we have — which keep the business running — and our community service, obligations, participation… it’s a lot.

And…

I just realized a couple of days ago that I ought to go down to Florida for a week or so in the beginning of May to help my mom. Our family home is being foreclosed upon. My brother is soon going off to college. So, she’ll be alone. The house is full of stuff — physical and emotional. It’s been accumulating for half a century. It’s a mess. It’s quite haunted.

Anyway… I’m just a little freaked out and need to go on retreat. Note to self. Got that? Retreat. Or, carry on and do my best with the state of mind and circumstances that are arising. The time for retreat will open up and I’ll know it. Keep the peepers peeled.

Last night in Fearlessness in Everyday Life class, lead by Greg Smith, we paired-up and asked each other: What are you afraid of?

My current answer: My own hallucinations.

— April 17, 2014

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Floral Notes and Bardo: Systems Made of Sand (delek rap #1)

Posted on April 24, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

We’re working really hard to establish systems…

I’m always working so hard to establish systems. And, they’re like castles made of sand.

We’re working so hard to establish systems to… We would like for people to be cared for. We would like for people to be heard. We would like for this to be an interactive experience. We do not want top-down authoritative leadership. We would like for information to flow, for there to be no blockages or gaps. That is the power.

Who is “we”?

I would like for people to be familiar with the channels for communication. I would like for them to know that they have the power to initiate change.

They?

I know that I do. I want everyone else in the community to know that they do also, regardless of their position within the community, their various titles, and so forth.

The delek system is a means for communication to flow and for transformative action to be initiated… (to be continued)

— April 16, 2014

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Floral Notes and Bardo: Don’t Do That

Posted on April 22, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

Growling in a cave, no one to hear, no one to blame, just the discomfort of… Or, alternatively, the bliss of no one to impress. But what if all this society stuff falls apart? What if no one shows up to ring the gong and lead chants?

There have been times when I’ve been the only one in the shrine room for a session. I ring the gong and chant solo. It’s lonely, sad. Something a bit pathetic about it. DON’T WALLOW IN SELF PITTY And yet it feels tremendously powerful, brave, inspired. That’s the flip. DON’T TURN GODS INTO DEMONS

If someone misses a dish washing shift here, it is plain to see that the dishes are dirty. So, no one can get away with it. If I don’t meditate, my mind is like stinky dishes…

DON’T PONDER OTHERS

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Floral Notes and Bardo: Held

Posted on April 21, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

On Saturday, walking around, warm and sunny, dirt and grass beneath our boots, Heather and I saw four different types of wildflowers. That night, about a foot of snow fell. So, we woke up in a different world. Huge fluffy puffs of snow on the pines. Bare aspen branches, twisting and artistic against — sky backdrop, also carrying loads of fresh white snow.

And, Heather had become sick with an infection. Living up in the mountains without a car, we felt a bit worried and helpless. At breakfast we saw John Ohm, who is Desung — harmony protector. He’s been up here for twenty-something years and is a guardian. Heather told him she needed to go to the doctor. I’d never driven in the snow before, and there was lots of snow. So, the situation wasn’t apparently easy. Yet, within twenty minutes, our friend Mike volunteered (over the walkie-talkie) to drive us an hour into town so that Heather could get fixed-up.

It turned out to be a pretty fun field trip. We stopped at a donut shop before the doctor’s office. Throughout the day, I really enjoyed spending time with Mike, who has been up here for a while but will be leaving soon. In the waiting room, we discussed dharma, and later, how strange it is that Wombats poo cubes and stash their babies in disguising back-facing pouches just below their anuses.

We stopped for sandwiches and made it back up to the land late in the afternoon. Heather and I enjoyed her warm bedroom and the heavy snow everywhere, listening to music in bed. Her roommate Oakes came in and brought her gifts of small glass prisms to hang in her east-facing window so that rainbows may shoot into her room when the sun rises in the morning, then he offered a ride to dinner.

We didn’t walk in the deep snow at all, all day long. Annabelle, Heather’s other roommate, had given us a ride down to breakfast in the morning, and, after dinner, Joshua offered a ride back up.

The whole day was this touching display of community-family care and generosity. We felt so held. The only way that we can sustain living on this mountain together, in the middle of nowhere, is if we take care of each other. And, we do. I knew that already, but Sunday’s experience has brought another level of appreciation. We walk the walk (or, give each other rides so that we don’t have to).

Before going to sleep, outside Heather’s room, which is in a forest, the moon was nearly full. Thick snow everywhere, soft blue glow. Quiet and still. Inside the window, her room, candles flickering. Warm. The two environments, so complimentary. So glad for both. Baffled by my good fortune. We listened to a bit of music and slept soundly. Clear blue sky this morning, white snow. White and blue. Magic, magic.

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Today is Heather’s fake birthday. We listened to an Aphex Twin song before getting out of bed — according to tradition — titled “Avril 14.” She invented a fake birthday for herself some years ago. I can’t remember why, but I like it. Happy fake birthday, Heather-honey.

— April 14, 2014

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Floral Notes and Bardo: And, who knows? But living…

Posted on April 17, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

Green blades of grass are popping up from the ground.

Last night a deep discussion on death and impermanence in class with Greg — Fearlessness in Everyday life. Afterwards, with Heather, connecting in presence, communicating, acknowledging a disconnect in… view, personality, life-approach, interests. Acknowledging the possibility of splitting as well as the possibility of not. Impermanence is not theoretical here. None of the teachings are. This whole place is a living, breathing, dharma lesson. Teachings in 3D. Maybe 4D. I can taste the dharma here. It rubs my shoulders and smacks me on the head. Walking away from her, I felt relief — in imagining passing, freedom. Now… What is freedom? Solitude — free of mirrors? Free to only dive into dharma? What is dharma? Sitting on a cushion and reading books? I know that my work here, my whole life here, is the path of dharma. I may be here for ten years. This morning in meditation, I was contemplating impermanence. I recalled my brother singing “All Things Must Pass” to our dad while he was dying of cancer. There seems to be enough room — in my life, heart, mind — to let that happen. Clinging is clear to see here, and its futility. Beauty in arising, beauty in dwelling, beauty in passing. And, who knows? But living with the reality of impermanence…

— April 10, 2014

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