Floral Notes and Bardo: Oh to Be Hose

Posted on June 18, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

Floral Notes and Bardo: The Creative Chronicles of a Shambhala Mountain Resident is a daily feature on the SMC blog in which a member of our staff/community shares his experience of existing as part of Shambhala Mountain Center.

Aching and illuminated, all of us — aching or ignorant, delighted or ignorant… Some bruised moments, touched firmly enough to evoke panic. All the while, something bigger than the breezes unfolding forever, forever unresolved. The aspen tress are full of leaves these days. The smallest ones have the biggest leaves and all of them are fluttering, quaking to be precise, in the shifting winds.

Photo by Barb Colombo

I was standing in an aspen grove the other day, just standing, and I let myself go into as full of an immersion as I could. I wish I could be more interwoven, or not think so much about that, rather, delighting in the movement of light and shadow, the sounds of the leaves, the sturdiness and softness of the tree trunk, branches…

Last night marching with the Kasung… I have ongoing aversion to Kasungship (which is something to work with, I know). I’m so grateful for the existence of the Kasung, but I don’t feel inspired to be a big-time Kasung. When I’m serving as Kasung, I feel like I’m doing my duty. Those aren’t the teachings that really sing to me.

Also, it’s a matter of time. So much I’m trying to do here, while also not trying to do so much that I can’t ever kick back. Last night I was resentful of the kasung meeting — I’ve taken a one year oath, so I feel obligated to fulfill that commitment by attending meetings, signing up for shifts, etc. Not that it isn’t a very cool and often fun thing…

Anyway, the Miami Heat were playing in the NBA Finals and I wanted to watch the game, but instead I had to go to Kasung meeting. The previous night I went to a class, tonight I’ll be going to a screening of a talk that Trungpa gave in 1974, tomorrow night a study group, then on Friday going down to Boulder for a weekend retreat lead by the Sakyong.

Every night of the week there’s something to do. Something very good to do! Something virtuous! I’m so fortunate! And, I’m so lazy! Feeling a bit burdened. But, really, feeling like something’s got to crack open. That’s the forward facing attitude. That’s facing East, always.

I’m subtly searching for genuine motivation — to engage, create, help others, serve the world.

Why not flop? When I begin flopping with any sort of regularity, I begin to feel very restless. It’s a self-correcting situation. It’s becoming more-so.

This afternoon we’re having a Community Meeting, which I will be leading. The purpose will be to re-establish, re-strengthen the Delek System as we head into summer.

My attitude about the Delek System has shifted a bit, which is part of a broader relaxation. “You don’t need to work so hard.” is what Hope Martin told me when she put her hands on my body and felt how hard I work to be upright, wakeful.

My approach to path, to my roles at Shambhala Mountain Center, has relaxed. I’m seeking the balance between slouching and striving. I’m seeking the HOSE. At times, Phish gets into a state of creativity which is effortless — as if they are a hose watering a garden of flowers. The audience the flowers, the music the water, the band the hose.

I want to be a hose.

A hose can be a hose all day without becoming tired of being a hose.

— June 11, 2014

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Travis Newbill is a curious dude on the path of artistry, meditation, and social engagement who is very glad to be residing at Shambhala Mountain Center. His roles within the organization include Marketing Associate and Head Dekyong–a position of leadership within the community.

Floral Notes and Bardo: Iris and so On

Posted on June 17, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

The weather has been shifting so dramatically — sunny summery days and then two days of chilly mist. Hour to hour can be as different as October and July. It’s June now. It’s always shifting, right? Sometimes quickly enough that we notice. Otherwise it’s a slow change and we’re thrown when it blooms…

Photo by Greg Smith

Every day new wildflowers are popping up. Yesterday someone watched a deer give birth, watched a deer being born. One of our community-family-members is going to give birth in a few months. We’ve been discussing how to hold that event. Another member of the fam — who lives down in Boulder — is going to give birth any day now.

My changes are more subtle. I’m dying and being born every second. I know.

Another community member of ours left the other day to drive to South Carolina — his mother has been diagnosed with late-stage cancer. He’s going to be with her.

Another one, my buddy, has been in and out of the hospital recently. Today he’s going to get brain scans.

Back in Florida, my mother is on the edge of losing her house to foreclosure and not sure where she’ll go next.

New flowers are coming up every day. Bunnies and deer are being born, and people are wondering about their lives all the time.

— June 10, 2014

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Floral Notes and Bardo: Doing It, Nicely

Posted on June 13, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

Arriving back here after my recent trip to New York, I felt at once inspired, refreshed, and overwhelmed. This whole thing is a huge project: creating enlightened society. And, there are no guarantees. Yet, somehow, here at Shambhala Mountain Center, it has sustained for over forty years. An ever-changing bunch of people, with their confusions and brilliance, have been doing it together for over four decades.

Here we are.

Photo by John Russel of SMC Colorado Front Range Style

Expectations for myself. Good inspiration versus overly-ambitious.

Yesterday at lunch time, the three Dekyongs (two dropped out recently) had a meeting. Molly laying on a picnic bench, sunbathing. Oakes and I pulled up chairs beside her and we talked causally for twenty minutes or so. Good vibes.

The previous Dekyong meeting was an hour long, in a shrine room, in the morning. Two Dekyongs dropped out after that.

It was too tight, too ambitious. What is realistic here? What feels good? I’m re-approaching my duties here with a bit more gentleness. Too tight and there is freak out. To loose — crappy and sluggish.

At dinner time a group of us who are doing Enlightened Society Assembly in July met to discuss how we may approach studying together. Again, it was casual. It was not an institutional event — just living and directing our attention towards something productive.

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Earlier I sat at a table while some folks talked very negatively about Shambhala Mountain Center. It seemed like they were getting some sort of kick out of it. Is that helpful at all? What are the consequences of doing that? It seems like complainers gather like puddles of mud. Meanwhile, the sky.

–June 6, 2014

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Floral Notes and Bardo: Here and There

Posted on June 12, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

I was away for a week, and it’s a whole new world now. I even have a new name (a good one!):

Good Highland Prankster

(pictured below with Good Equanimity Sword)

Photo by Laurie Amodeo

No one is the same, the land is not the same. It’s summer time. So green. Green: Karma energy — All accomplishing. In the winter I felt cozy, and now when I try to be cozy I feel restless. Time to move. Time to shake it. Time to sing!

My dear friends Laurie and Todd came here to visit. I say: I would not be here if it weren’t for Todd. He’s had a lot to do with turning me onto the dharma, Shambhala, etc. This blog that I write is really just a public version of letters that I’ve been sending to Todd for years now. And he’s reading this one right now. Hey dude!

After all these years, and our journey together, it was quite special to host Laurie and Todd here at Shambhala Mountain Center, to show them around, introduce them to the Stupa. They enjoyed practicing with the community, we had a nice hike around, visited the Kami Shrine, and we hung out and sang around a campfire at my little house in the evening.

A few days later, I flew to New York City, and so did they. They live there and I’ve been going there to visit them for years. Usually I visit them. Now, I live in a place cool enough for them to visit me too! I always want to live in a place that is visit-worthy, from now on. Okay…

NYC was amazing as always, and it’s summer time there too. The parks are lively, music is playing. Tons of activity everywhere and weather so nice I couldn’t even drag myself inside to check out a museum, not even for an hour. Living on the mountain, as I do, it is very nourishing to be in the city — especially that one… the city.

Todd and I did Rigden Weekend at the NYC Shambhala Center. I’ve done most of my Shambhala Training there, and soon the sangha will be moving on from that particular space. So much has happened there for so many people, including me.

Rigden Weekend is somewhat of a graduation from the first cycle of Shambhala Training, so it was very meaningful to do it there, with Todd. I saw and hugged teachers who have been so crucial to me on my path: Ethan, Susan, Rachel. And Acharya Spiegel, who I’ve recently been forming a relationship with, lead the weekend. It was so powerful. At the end we took the Shambhala Vow and were given our names.

At the reception afterwards, I offered a toast to the New York City sangha. They have always been so warm, friendly, welcoming. They have always accommodated me, done whatever necessary to help me receive my training, progress on the path. I’m so grateful. I told them in my toast, that I now live in the most mystical, spiritually charged place that I’ve ever been, and that the dharma is just as alive, just as strong, right there in New York City.

Now I’m back here, and it’s a different world. This opportunity is rich. I’m re-engaging, fresh. So much. And the theme is: time to be active, time to sing, the sun is shining.

–June 5, 2014

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Floral Notes and Bardo: Slippery Fish

Posted on June 6, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

Sweeping through the forest, tumbling into the valley — flowers, given by my prior-self. Remember?

Photo by Zane Edwards, Summer 2012

When I first arrived here in 2012: Sitting in Pushpa, seeing the knot of eternity, which was carved into a puja table in front of me — I knew. Another moment, laying in bed, the week I arrived, watching clouds come up from behind Red Feather peak and dissolve in mid air, one after another. I knew I’d live here.

I’ve always had this vision of three years: Come here at age thirty, and leave at age 33, re-enter the world. Go off to the mountain and attain some realization, and then come back down and teach. So holy, right?

That was always the vision. So I promised myself I’d live here for three years. Now, I’m feeling less holy about the whole thing. Less holy about reality. More human and relaxed. And, as I’ve been considering the less-holiness of my being here — less “cosmic significance,” as Bruce Tift would say — I’d become a bit too loose maybe…

“Live by vow, not by karma”

“Be flexible”

Two key messages that I received when I first arrived here. Now I’m exploring how they work together.

I vowed to myself, my boss, and Shambhala Mountain Center, that I’d live here for three years. I signed on the dotted line. That is there. It exists. I did that for a reason: because I know how things shift.

Things have shifted — a couple of times. Back in the fall, a leader, a mentor of mine, suggested that I consider what it would be like for me to live here long term — “four years, six years, ten years…” because I seem to be such a good fit. That sort of re-shaped my ideas: Maybe this isn’t going to be just a three year thing. I may spend my entire thirties here.

Then, recently, discussing the future with Heather, I began to consider being “more flexible” and maybe not sticking to my “live here for three years” plan — maybe leave sooner, come back after a while… I was thinking of it as a plan for some reason, rather than a vow, commitment.

In a talk about why a person takes vows, Trungpa Rinpoche said:

“You are a slippery fish!”

And the vow is the net.

I respect that. And that’s why I took a vow to stay here for three years.

Lots if flexibility, moment to moment, and living within vows.

— May 20, 2014

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Floral Notes and Bardo: Mango on a Mountain

Posted on June 5, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

Arriving home last week… Home is here, Shambhala Mountain Center — where I’m greeted so warmly by my friends, where Dorian wanted to hear about how my Florida trip went, then said “you’re family” and we hugged. The elders, hugs. Lunch together, delicious, prepared by my friends.

And, here I am with a companion — Heather, who I met, really met, in the enchanted aspen grove, one of my favorite spots on the planet.

Photo by John Russell

And nearby the Stupa and the clear presence of lineage everywhere. Everywhere… here, and how about everywhere else? How about Florida? I don’t feel so good or at home there, but there is lots more world. To be here is safe. There is a background attitude of :

“Okay universe, I’ve come to live and serve at the place where the Stupa is. I’m doing my part.”

Somehow, it seems a bit too simple. To just stay here forever.

Joshua told me:

“Logic is safe. Maybe you should go have kids. Trungpa Rinpoche said that every child you have is a nail in the coffin. You really want to practice tonglen? Try that.”

I get it.

It’s easy here. My meals are prepared for me. Spiritually, “I’m doing my part.”

Anyway… This is a precious opportunity, and it is fleeting.

Last weekend, Heather and I did a program with Bruce Tift, who is a longtime student of Trungpa Rinpoche, former Naropa professor, and a psychotherapist with decades of experience. Some key nuggets:

Relationship is legitimately path. Appreciation for the relationship I am in. And the possibility that my path will lead me to live outside of Shambhala Mountain Center someday…

I knew that. But, something about talking about the future with Heather made it real.

My heart broke open a lot this past weekend.

This morning, in Colorado, my love and I sat naked and ate a mango from Florida. True story.

— May 19, 2014

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Exploring Grief, Intuition, and Healing with Sue Frederick

Posted on May 21, 2014 by Travis Newbill

Sue Frederick is the author of Bridges to Heaven: True Stories of Loved Ones on the Other Side and I See Your Dream Job. She will be leading Bridges to Heaven: Grief Healing Workshop, July 18-20. An intuitive since childhood, Sue has trained more than 200 intuitive coaches around the world. Her work has been featured in the New York Times, CNN.com and Yoga Journal, among others.

Recently, she took the time to have some discussion on the topics of grief, healing, and intuition. Please enjoy the video interview below, and to learn more about the upcoming retreat she’ll be leading at SMC, please click here.

And, please read this blog post written by Sue Frederick: You’re Being Blessed at this Very Moment

Floral Notes and Bardo: Florida Notes #2

Posted on May 16, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

Being in Florida is like post-meditation — rubber meeting the road. Hot road. Messy world. Tenderness in everything, and a resistance to feeling it. An impulse to fix it. It’s painful to be in the midst of. It’s painful to witness my habitual reactions.

…except for the consistently warm feelings I get whenever I see Fluff.

As soon as I arrived, I called Rachel, my teacher in Florida. She said:

“Our whole practice is about not reacting. All that practice that you do, this is what it’s for. This is a great opportunity.”

I want to fix it. I want to be triumphant! It’s not working.

“Being present in nowness is the only success you will achieve in this situation, if you want to call that success.”

In a recent talk at the Being Brave retreat, Pema Chödrön talked about living in a privileged, comfortable, spiritual bubble. And she’s grateful to meet with people who are in the trenches because it punctures the bubble and keeps her from believing that everything is smooth.

Somehow, SMC is the trenches and the bubble. Ever since I arrived there a couple of years ago, I’ve regarded it as a “macro meditation cushion.” All the elements of my world are represented there (except for Florida), but it all occurs within a meditative, contemplative container. So, it’s all very tangibly practice.

Out here in Florida, I have set up a shrine in the room where I’m staying, as a reference point, reminder. There are reminders all over the place at SMC. You can hardly turn a corner without seeing prayer flags, buddhas, teachers. It’s easier to forget here in Florida. So, it’s easier for me to get worked up, stupid, aggressive.

Sakyong talks about how culture affects us and we affect culture. It’s interesting to look at Florida through that lens. It’s tough here for me. It’s not a prime situation for doing what I want to do, which is study and practice the dharma.

I feel freaked out here. I see lots of freaked out people here. I see lots of crap, nature is oppressed.

And, how am I affecting it?

Trungpa Rinpoche says that a fallen leaf can affect a stream. So, rather than trying to “manhandle” the state of Florida, my task seems to be to abide in my heart — apply what I spend my life practicing. Every encounter I have changes the situation. So, basically, relaxing and doing my thing. Be kind. Refrain from trying to fix.

It’s sad. I feel like Florida is f’d. Really though, I think it’s not so bad. F’d is my projection. I ought to go jump in the ocean and enjoy my time here, letting it be what it is. I can be glad that I don’t live here anymore. I have a good home in Colorado. A really good home. I’m lucky.

— May 8, 2014

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Floral Notes and Bardo: Not Vacationing — in Florida

Posted on May 15, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

I told Joshua that leaving felt like a small death. He said that arriving would be a Big Death: “The myth of freedom,” he said. “I hope you have good waves.”

After getting off the plane, the anxiety of seeing people in Florida for the first time since I left was very pronounced. It had been in the background — hopes and fears about how I may be perceived by them; whether there would be approval, or not, etc.

I’ve not worried for one second about how I would be perceived by Fluff.

I spent the whole plane ride studying dharma.

I’ve not wanted to come back to Florida, and also, I was kind of excited to, because I knew it would be eventful — at least mentally and emotionally. So far, that has proven to be true.

It’s really been amazing to notice my reaction to the environment and people, and my tendencies to spin stories about how it’s going, how it ought to go — wishing for things to go a certain way because I think that will bring pleasure.

It’s kind of ugly down here. I’m witnessing my mother in a tough situation and I don’t feel able to fix it. It’s awful. And, I’m well aware that there a millions of people on the planet right now who are worse off than she is. And I don’t feel able to fix that either.

By comparison, I am in a very cushie situation.

Here, the connection to my mother’s pain is unavoidable — but I find myself trying to shut it out.

I think this is happening a lot, all over the place, in my engagement with the world.

Yesterday on the plane, I found myself judging people negatively. And, the dharma was saying: No. You really have to understand that you are those people. You are not better than anyone. You are here to help alleviate their suffering — that very suffering which is making you so uncomfortable that you want to attack it. That’s not the way to go about it. You have to help people relax.

So, I’m down here in Florida practicing. It’s like the opposite of a vacation.

— May 7, 2014

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Floral Notes and Bardo: Back/Forward to Florida

Posted on May 12, 2014 by Travis Newbill

By Travis Newbill

At breakfast, I overheard a couple of friends talking about the Milky Way. One had an experience last night, which was a clear night. The other forgot to look up, and hasn’t seen it for a couple of months.

I used to live in Florida. Here is a mural by Kelcie McQuaid of the ol’ crew:

I’m going to Florida on Tuesday. I have some worries and hopes about how it will go. Returning for the first time since I left. Some expectations: How will I be perceived? How do I want to be perceived? And, that’s not the point. Will there be expectations? I live at a retreat center so I should be _______. Peaceful? Wise?

Part of me wants to prove that it’s working, that I’ve made a good life decision in coming to live here, that I am living a good life. I would like peoples’ approval — if not admiration. It’s a game, it’s a trap. There is nothing to prove. There is nothing but how truly we’re connecting in the moment. It’s not about me. It’s about not causing harm, being gentle, maybe being helpful and rousing authentic joy.

But I’m stuck (I’m not stuck) in the loop, the old loop of hope and expectation. It’s a poverty-stricken mentality. It’s ignorance. Maybe today, tomorrow, “these days,” “this time,” I’ll buy into it less than before. Maybe I will be able to just relax and be normal — a bit more than before. Maybe I can try less, and be more authentic.

— May 2, 2014

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